Life on Marz

Why you’ll always be the centre of my world

Nearly four. How did that happen? A month away from your fourth birthday and I find myself wondering where on earth the last four years have gone. I thought about waiting until your birthday to pay this tribute to you but today we shared a moment. Those moments, as a parent, that you grasp onto. The moments that make your heart full, even if you’ve not had enough sleep or you’re thinking about the massive laundry pile. The moments that make all the tough stuff worth it. They’re the ones to capture.

When you arrived with us in August 2016, you came into the world screaming like a banshee. Your Daddy has always said you’re a little over dramatic like your Mama, and that was the evidence to prove it. You spent a lot of the first few months of your life screaming your head off and that was tough – really tough. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Was I cut out to be your Mummy, how could I help you and why did you cry so much? Even then though, I still remember your first smile, others said wind, but a Mama knows wind from a real smile. Another moment. I even wrote that one down. I was a bit rubbish with all of that, but I captured that moment. I wasn’t really one for memory books and I still have all the baby grows in the wardrobe that I was going to make into a blanket. But it doesn’t mean you weren’t the centre of my world.

It is probably fair to say that I am an honest parent, and maybe not everyone will agree with that, but I do tend to say it as I see it. I’m not the Mummy who cries when I leave you with someone else, I mean maybe if I had only had four hours sleep but as a rule I didn’t. I’m not the parent who thinks you do no wrong, you’re not an angel. I’m also not the Mama who stays home with you all the time. And I’m definitely not the Mummy who makes costumes for every world book day – you will know about Amazon Prime very soon. But I am a better Mummy for you because I keep a little bit of me with me, all the time. Now, the parent that I will be, will always spur you on, hold your hand and comfort you – ‘big boy’ school is just weeks away. I will always support you no matter what you choose to do and who you choose to do it with (unless it involves criminal activity of course) and I promise to embarrass you at your 21^st birthday as the dancing 60 something Mum in the room (took me a while to find Daddy you see). My only wish for you is that you are happy, fulfilled and that you forever know that you are the centre of my world.

I have watched you grow into a little boy with his own mind and his own quirky ways – you always have to carry something in your hands, until of course we are 15 steps out of the house and then they become too heavy to carry. Your love of dinosaurs surpasses all else – now at least, I mean three months ago I was convinced you were going to be a marine biologist when we walked into a shop, and from the top of your lungs you shouted “Mummy can we find a sperm whale in here”. You often tell strangers that you don’t like tomatoes, tuna or celery! I’m with you on the celery one, despite it really annoying Daddy. Your first word was ‘more’, which is really apt given you ask for a snack at least 15,000 times a day now, and the nicest thing you say to me is ‘Mummy you look so pretty’ even when I’m looking my worst. You can be a bit of a tell-tale, but I put that down to you wanting to do the right thing. I admire that in you. I have discovered that you love to do a ‘deal’ for everything; “Sammy can you please help put all of your toys away”, “Ok but can I have one Peter (Rabbit) and two stories, deal, Mummy?”. Your ability to make Daddy and I laugh even when we shouldn’t, happens a lot, especially when you once told us you would give us a time-out if we didn’t stop telling you not to do something. Yes, you see, you really are the centre of my world.

At times though it’s hard and I want a week off. I still like nights out and weekends away. I want a career as well as being a Mummy to you. I don’t always want to build the towers. I get tired and exhausted with everything else going on. But just because I don’t always want to, doesn’t mean I won’t. I always will, always. I do drink wine, I confess, and once threatened to put you on eBay but all of that is just silly talk, because where would I be if my heart didn’t have you. How would I know what real love was actually like? Who would I go to hear a perfected dinosaur roar at the drop of a hat? How would I have known that soft play is occasionally fun (and hell, a lot), or that I can do funny voices when it’s story time at night? I have discovered Moana and Frozen because of you and more recently a love of dancing to film soundtracks, too. You see, you are the centre of my world.

So what of this moment, the one from today that inspired me to put the words down here. Well, we danced! Yep, we danced. To ABBA. You’ve discovered Mamma Mia the film (both of them) and now you love ABBA and you love to dance. You love to ask Alexa to “play Super Trouper by Abbot!”, you haven’t quite got the name right yet. We spent the morning dancing together. Running and laughing in our PJs with squeals of “Mama dance with me, swing me round, Mummy”. I loved every minute. I loved that you had learnt two songs overnight and you were in your element when you remembered the words. I saw your character come to life. I loved that you told me right there that you liked being called Samuel over Sammy now, and maybe even Sam (yeah, Mummy not so much, baby). In that moment, those moments, that half an hour when you weren’t roaring like a dinosaur – my heart was utterly full. It was proof that no matter what happens in life, you will always be the centre of my world.

My darling Samuel, keep being the dinosaur loving, snack requesting, ABBA dancing boy I know and adore today.

I love you always and forever.

Mummy x