Wellbeing

The ‘it’s just a hot flush’ myth

Marz1 Comment

Why menopause should be a topic of conversation for everyone!

I haven’t written anything on here for a year – which I am disappointed about. Not least because it genuinely is a cathartic thing to do. Today I felt like I wanted to capture some thoughts on a topic that I – now – feel like I want to talk about, and champion. The menopause.

A bit of a taboo subject I know and I debated whether to share this here so publicly, but when you feel that the dialogue needs to be louder on a topic that many will shy away from, I figured it might help.

It’s something I now feel hugely passionate about and I hope that sharing my recent experience will help others, especially in the workplace. A post shared here on LinkedIn by one of my marketing crew, is so important to so many, and not just women. Employers, men, friends, partners all need to be aware of the impact that menopause can have on women. After all, it happens to half of the population. Many of you will know that I work at PwC and our work at PwC on this topic has been brilliant in its recognition of what this means for men and women in the workplace.

I mean who wants to talk about periods?

I get that for some people this topic is a little taboo, I mean who wants to openly talk about periods right? But this is so much more than a hot flush or two and the time of the month. The reason this is important to me is because without the work that my colleagues and team mates at PwC have done to talk about this topic, I would never have known I was smack bang in the middle of menopause. It sounds strange to say that out loud and of course I debated sharing this so publicly, but I genuinely feel grateful for the answers I now have in what was an extremely unnerving time for me – and has to be said, for my husband too.

What do I mean by unnerving? If I’m honest I hadn’t been feeling ‘myself’ for around three years. Maybe longer. But I put what I was experiencing down to having had a child at 40 years old, (I’m nearly 46 now). Baby brain. Tired from trying to have a career, a young son, a marriage, a home. All the things that women tell themselves. But it was when I started to google ‘early dementia signs’ on a regular basis that I knew something was off.

Am I losing my mind?

I often joked with my husband that I would lose things before I’d even had a chance to. That I couldn’t remember a simple list of groceries. That I would feel worried or anxious about something very simple. And now he and I both look back and realise this was something that I coped with, or on some occasions didn’t cope with, for a long time, but hid well. It was also something that we now realise could have resulted in the breakdown of our marriage too, but thankfully didn’t. So you see, this is more than just a hot flush!

What triggered my trip to the GP was some pain I’d been having in my shoulder, neck and chest and some heart palpitations that were getting pretty regular and debilitating. I hadn’t shared this with anyone really, not even Stu. I also hadn’t really considered menopause despite a whole host of other symptoms that I’d kind of laughed off if I’m honest. Even when I was off work and I confided in a few people, their first reaction was “is work too much, do you feel stressed” and I guess I was there too. But it’s so easy to blame work and dive right into “it must be stress”. I love what I do, and yes I take my leadership and team responsibilities seriously, and it’s a place I thrive – but when the thing I loved also became tough because I couldn’t remember what I’d agreed, or names of people, or even how to do what I do best, I knew something else must be going on.

You’re not just stressed

A wonderfully considerate GP, a bunch of tests and a few weeks off work to see what was going on, found that while there were things to rectify, my blood tests showed I was in menopause. And very much so. To quote my doctor and the menopause specialist I have spoken to since “it’s no wonder you’ve felt like you couldn’t function”. My memory loss was really worrying me. Even just recently telling one of my team that my husband worked for a Bank that he hadn’t worked at in over ten years – and in the background Stu looking at me with a really puzzled face! The weight gain came very quickly. The achey joints. Itchy skin. Low concentration. The thinning hair. Anxiety in scenarios that never used to phase me. Insomnia. Worrying I would drop the ball at work. At times – and I know I can be dramatic – I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. But I ploughed on just thinking this was life and I’m sure so many other women do the same.

Did you know that there could be more than a million women with menopausal symptoms that feel like they can’t continue in their work because of the lack of support they are getting, both from their employer and their GP. A million women? “A poll of 2,000 women currently experiencing menopause or premenopausal symptoms across the UK, commissioned by Koru Kids, found 18 per cent were looking to leave their jobs because of their symptoms. Koru Kids estimates there are at least 5.87 million women of menopausal or premenopausal age currently working in the UK – extrapolated from data from the Office for National Statistics – meaning that at least 1,057,000 woman could be looking to quit because of their symptoms”. People Management January 2022

Isn’t that astounding? But I can see how this can happen. I am very fortunate to work for an employer that takes these issues seriously. I had a few weeks off to assess what might be going on health wise and came away discovering something entirely different. And I admit, when the doctor told me that my FSH levels were off the scale, I cried. Not because I was worried but because I was so relieved. I genuinely felt like I was slowly going crazy and my doctor told me she hears so many women say the same thing. I’d finally discovered what was going on. Yet to think that initially when I saw a private male GP, he told me to go onto antidepressants despite me not articulating symptoms related to clinical depression – this is a very common occurrence. Antidepressants help with clinical depression of course, but they are not the answer to menopause.

There are brilliant resources that can help

I have since found such a brilliant list of resources that have helped me understand the menopause, the power of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) in giving women their lives back (albeit I appreciate not everyone can take HRT) and how many women fly under the radar for fear of the stigma attached to this topic. If you haven’t heard of Dr Louise Newson, she is “paving the way for evidence-based care, treatment for women during peri-menopause and menopause”. The balance app has been invaluable for me and I encourage others who haven’t discovered this yet to give it a try. More importantly, HRT can be a live saver and I don’t say that lightly.

If you think about being diagnosed with a disease like diabetes or having thyroid problems, both hormone related, you are given medication to address the hormone deficiency or hormones lost. HRT should be afforded the same importance. Yet many GPs will not give it to women experiencing symptoms. I know it won’t be the answer for everyone or indeed the answer as a standalone, but for so many women it will help them feel like they can get back what they’ve lost. Because it can feel like you have lost part of who you were – and maybe then we won’t see this impact women in the workplace either.

I’m very early on in this journey and I’m sure there will be a lot that I learn as I go. I hope that by sharing my experience, and one I hid for a while for fear of what people might say, it can go some way towards ending the stigma surrounding menopause. All I know is that for the first time in a long time I feel a huge sense of hope, not just for me personally (I’m praying HRT works just so I can remember where my husband actually works), but also for other women who have been suffering in silence for way too long.

Let’s continually remind people that this topic matters and people need to know that menopause is more than just a hot flush!

When the storm gets rough

Marz6 Comments

Remembering that it’s ok to not always be ok.

Hi there, it’s been a while hasn’t it? September was the last time I posted on here and that was a huge milestone for us as Sammy started school. Since then, so much has happened – lockdowns, more lockdowns, a cancelled Christmas, vaccinations, elections (am so thankful Trump has gone), the list goes on. I genuinely didn’t expect us to be here nearly a year on. The storm has certainly raged over that time. 

I heard a phrase early on in the first lockdown in March last year which has stuck with me. So many people said that we were all in the ‘same boat’ – but actually we’re not. In the same storm yes absolutely, but not everyone has the same boat. Some have luxury yachts, while others are struggling to keep a dinghy afloat.  And that is the reality. The storm too can rage for people in different ways, some pass through it, taking each day as it comes. Others really find the monotony of life tough to handle. 

“Being lucky doesn’t mean that it can’t feel tough too”

I felt really hopeful last autumn that this thing that has held us to ransom for the last year, might start to leave us alone. But now as we head into February half term (yep, I’m now that person that talks in school terms), I have a 4 year old at home, again, and the juggle is absolutely real. I am clinging onto the fact that he might be able to go back to school in March, so at least work life can feel more tolerable. There is some light relief somewhere in all of this though. If I tell you that just this last week Sammy joined me on a virtual call with one of my teammates Claire, so that he could show her his herbivore and carnivore dinosaur roars, it wouldn’t be a joke. Now, it certainly gave Claire and I a much needed giggle, but there are also days when I just want to shout. Loudly. I don’t have a reason, I’m lucky and I realise I’m lucky. But being lucky doesn’t mean that it can’t feel tough too.

It felt tough last week, I hit a wall. Full pelt. Head on. I remember thinking that I couldn’t remember what my old life felt like. I questioned my marriage, my work, myself. I have since chatted to friends, work colleagues and Stu and the world already feels very different. The power of talking and teaming are very important for me. But for that moment, that week, it felt bloody hard. I know that this wall presented itself as a result of a very full on and emotional few weeks that preceded. You see, as a marketing team, we were grieving. I was grieving.

“The days and weeks after were heavy”

We’d lost our friend and teammate Jack in January in very tragic circumstances. It floored us all. Our sadness and heartache extended to Liz, also in our team and Jack’s partner. Hands down one of the toughest phone calls I have had to take. The days and weeks after that, including the day he was laid to rest this week, were heavy. There is no manual for this type of thing and so you just operate on gut instinct – well, that’s what I did I guess. Your priority is getting arms around the team, but in a way that doesn’t feel like a corporate boilerplate. For me, I simply had to be me. Show them that I too felt their pain. I hope that they knew very early on from the tears they saw me openly shed, that we are all human. 

There was a fleeting moment where I questioned the tears. Is this what ‘the boss’ should be doing in front of her team – our crew as I love to call us. There is a stigma that too often surrounds this concept of leadership and a stiff upper lip. Leadership for me is not about a corporate manual or org charts. It’s about a dialogue between one person and another. It is human and real. I knew very early on when I took this role, that I was going to be me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am passionate. And above all else, I care. Being anything other than me would have felt dishonest to me and to the team. You will never please everyone, I understand that, but being authentic will see you a long way.

“Just be yourself and do your best”

People will always have a view of what you should or shouldn’t do, and when faced with that quandary I will always remember a great bit of advice I once heard from that wise man, my Dad – “Don’t worry Bella, just be yourself and do your best” and whenever there is a day when even being yourself and doing your best feels too hard, just remember it’s ok not to feel ok.

Attempting to have it all

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When the ‘big deals’ collide

It was an August day when I discovered that life was about to change. I’d been offered a new role at work, a bigger role. And one that would need me to make some choices about the balance in my life.

It was great to be recognised in this way, and it came along when I least expected it. I always strived for ‘excellence’, don’t all marketers? but I used to describe myself as the editor of the book, not the author – ironic really given I am writing this blog! This role would need me to look at how that book and its chapters were structured. It was daunting, but exciting too! I swung from panic to elation in the space of minutes but still I knew that there would be choices to made. And amazing marketing to be delivered.

In addition to this pretty ‘big deal’, we were also approaching that milestone in every toddler’s life – the start of ‘big’ school. I totally underestimated how this start for Sammy, would make me feel. My worries were about his age, would he be ready, would he cry, would he make friends. All those questions that all parents think about. For us, he was about to start school in the middle of a global pandemic, which was daunting enough. But despite all that, I still thought, it’s ok, I can do both.

All of this was then compounded by a spell of quarantine post our holiday to Croatia. I knew it ‘might’ happen, we all did, but I hadn’t planned my work diary around having Sammy back at home! Those calls with toddler interruptions again, weren’t in that window. So, Stu and I rallied together and whilst there some late nights again, we made it work.

The ‘arrrgh’ moment

It then happened, the moment of realisation, the moment where you think, oh, this is a lot. A lot of ‘big deals’ all happening at once. No, none of them life threatening of course, but a lot of tabs open in my brain all at once. The stamping of the uniform to questions about budget and plans, all happened in the space of one day. The 135 WhatsApp’s from friends that I hadn’t been able to digest. I knew I would need to quickly decide on where I was going to focus my time and be ok with letting other things get parked. I am lucky, I have a great husband who just got on with it. Washing got done. Dinner got made. Not a single complaint. Until the night where he said to me – as he passed me the cheesy beans on toast for dinner in our home office – “come on now, find your balance”. We call this the red line at work. I was over-stepping the red line and I had only been in role for 5 minutes.

The reason that this is important to me is because I want to role model to my team. All 115 of them. I want them to know that you can do well at work and be a parent (in my case) and a wife and get a workout in too. I can’t be sending emails at ridiculous hours or missing bedtime every night. Occasionally that is ok, but not every day.

To help me in this place of ‘big deals’, I looked at how I wanted to lead. Lead in uncertain and unprecedented times (most used phrases of 2020 there). How did I want people to see me. How did I want them to feel working alongside me. Despite this collision, what was going to be the constant. I was clear on one thing – this was most definitely about ‘how’. There will always be times when it feels hard, or tough. Confusing or pressured. But there will be way more times where it feels exciting, ambitious, excellent and an absolute blast. And I don’t just mean at work. Having the balance of all of those things, both at work and at home, allow you to manage the ‘big deals’. Manage them when they collide and when you least expect it.

The ‘how’

So, this ‘how’ I talk of, it is fairly simple to me. I want to stand for a few core values and have those around me feel those values when they work with me. For those things to be consistent with my teams and business stakeholders. Some may ask, why have I been so honest and open. I know many of the people I work with will read this. Strangers will read this. For me it is about being transparent and authentic. You can still be a leader and have a heart.

So, whilst I navigate the new role, big school and the pandemic, I made the decision to focus on a few key attributes, important me to in the workplace, that would be my north star when the crazy times decided to hit.

  • Listening to understand – I used to always be so quick to jump in with a view or a reply. When do we take the time to really understand what is being said?
  • Emphasising the importance of ‘why?’ – this is so key to any marketer. Why do we want to do it that way? Constructive and credible challenge is key to healthy discussion about the value marketing brings to any business.
  • Simplifying the overcomplicated – if there is a simpler route, not necessarily easy route, that gives us the same result, or better, let’s do it.
  • Being authentic over everything – be yourself. Wear your heart on your sleeve, but be polite, professional and constructive. Give others a sneak peek of who you are as a person. Inspire others. But be authentic. We are all human beings at the end of the day.

And what of this ‘attempting to have it all’ – I’d say you can have what you’re able to carry. That varies for everyone. But what we all have in abundance is choice. Choice about what we carry and how we carry it.

For now, the bag I’m carrying has a healthy dose of career, family, friends, the odd workout and a gin for good measure.

Life, love and lockdown!

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That time when a pandemic hit, everything went out the window and we walked.

I mean, where do you even start with this one. On December 31st, 2019, when we were all drinking bubbles and toasting in the new year, did we ever think that the year of 2020 would go down like this?

It has been the strangest of times for me if I’m honest. A permanent state of working from home. A three year old who can’t go to nursery and so is at home with us (while we are working from home – I will soon mention gin!). A Mum who is in isolation and has been now for 10 weeks. Friends and family that we can’t see. Real life examples of friends working close to heart of Covid-19. Emotional and heart wrenching scenarios that require a hug and you can’t even do that.

This virus has affected everyone, everywhere and in so many ways. People have been furloghed, some have lost their jobs or have been unable to work. Many people are angry. At the government. At the people who flout lockdown. And yet, it seems that so many have found a way to relax into a world of simple things. Long walks (oh how we have walked), baking (I am not one of those people by the way), yoga (that either) and now we see a whole new side to people.

Toddlergate

Lockdown life, as we call here at Chez Jennings, has been testing in equal measure. Yes, I know I am very lucky to still have my job, but let me tell you, that working at home with a toddler is a tough gig! In week three at home, Sammy came into a room, where I was on a call with a Partner and one of my team members, shouting “Mummy I want the one with the sperm whale, can I have the sperm whale, Mummmmmmy” – episode 678 of the Octonauts was on. I told the guys on the call I’d be two minutes, turned my camera off and muted my laptop (or so I thought) and said “Sammy, give Mummy a break, I’m on a call here y’know” – and of course he didn’t have a clue what I was on about – but everyone else did when I discovered I hadn’t muted my laptop at all and heard sounds of “we can still hear you”. Now, thankfully, I work for a brilliant firm and we’ve seen cats, dogs, kids, husbands, wives, all in the background of our meetings, but trying to parent and do a job in the same place in the same day, is not something I thought I’d be doing.

Loves me, loves me not…

So we have the juggling act that is parenting and working, now throw in being in the same place as your other half for weeks on end. I love Stu, of course I do, but he would be the first to agree that this hasn’t been easy on our marriage, or our livers (here comes the gin!). At first we said “ok, we can do this, few months in lockdown, how hard can it be”. The first few weeks were ok, we did buy a lot (and drink a lot) of wine, beer, gin, (all of the above), almost like we were on a holiday with a bit of work thrown in. Except, actually, the realisation was that work wasn’t going anywhere and with Sammy at home, this meant me in the office for a lot of the day and him in the office for a lot of the evening – up until midnight some nights. It is tough! He is tired and we have both suffered with the short fuse on occasion. Then remembering to do extra washing of the hands and be safe when venturing out, was a whole new way of living. We live for our holidays. Totally happy working really hard all year to have a trip or two away, so now, filled with the prospect of not getting away, we are faced with the fact we might be in each others pockets for the rest of the year! Eeeek. So we’ve had to talk openly. We’ve had to find a few things we can do for ‘space’. I write and watch trash TV! He walks the dog, does the weekly shop (result), oh and he bakes…..did I mention that? He is the baker, not me.

Dose of perspective

Whilst we can all laugh at the toddler scenarios in this lockdown life, there have also been some heart wrenching moments. A colleague of mine, lost her husband to this awful virus. Herself young and him too, with a young daughter, this was the reality of what we were faced with. How do you move on from something like that? Her bravery and openness has amazed me. Other friends I know have lost loved ones and are carers for others and stories like theirs and that of Colonel Tom and of the amazing key workers and carers, continuing on through this storm, have inspired me. My much needed dose of perspective comes from hearing about all of their bravery.

So in all of this craziness, here is what have I learned about myself, others and life in this lockdown world. What have you learned?

Lockdown learnings

1. I miss the commute (who would have thought that). I liked that time to myself. Reading my emails, calling friends or reading a book. The peace. I often complained about that 90 minute slog, but now I miss it.

2. I appreciate open spaces. We have found some open fields near our house that we didn’t know existed and when the sun shines, they are the perfect walking spot. We have walked and walked and walked. Some weekends, Stu, Sammy and I walk a 5k route, and Sammy only has little legs! We make an effort to do this nearly every day just to get the fresh air (and tire the boy out so he sleeps!).

3. I am much more relaxed about mess! I am a neat freak normally.  But working at home with a three year old has walked all over that and I’m ok with that……really I am…..! I let him trash the house daily. I still tidy every single night for the normality, but every single day he gets it all. out. again.

4. I rely heavily on my family to be part of my life. This time apart from my Mum and Brother has been hard but what a celebration we will have when this is done. Virtual calls are the order of the day now for us. We set Mum up on a laptop and taught her how to use Hangouts and she was off. Even booking herself online shopping slots and all sorts. But I miss her. I miss them. I cannot wait to throw my arms around them……..and book Mum in for a week of babysitting!

5. I feel gratitude much more now than ever. Grateful to be healthy. To have a job. To work for a great employer. To have wonderful team mates who are flexible every day whilst I juggle parenting and working. To have a little boy who loves the simple things in life like throwing stones in a river. To have brilliant WhatsApp groups full of good friends, that have kept the humour. Grateful to wonderful neighbours who have rallied around and made the effort to get to know all of us, now that we are all at home more. Grateful for video calls and virtual quizzes (who would have thought?!). Mostly, I am also grateful that my husband is a saint!!

A few weeks ago, a colleague of mine asked how I was and I replied “Well, my toddler trashes my house every day. I have about 7 headaches come Friday. And I weigh more now than I did when I was full term pregnant with Samuel. Other than that I am peachy”. And, despite a slightly wider waistline, few extra headaches and toddler lego bricks in every corner of my house, I am ok. We are ok. This too shall pass, and what a story we will have to tell.