Parenting

Attempting to have it all

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When the ‘big deals’ collide

It was an August day when I discovered that life was about to change. I’d been offered a new role at work, a bigger role. And one that would need me to make some choices about the balance in my life.

It was great to be recognised in this way, and it came along when I least expected it. I always strived for ‘excellence’, don’t all marketers? but I used to describe myself as the editor of the book, not the author – ironic really given I am writing this blog! This role would need me to look at how that book and its chapters were structured. It was daunting, but exciting too! I swung from panic to elation in the space of minutes but still I knew that there would be choices to made. And amazing marketing to be delivered.

In addition to this pretty ‘big deal’, we were also approaching that milestone in every toddler’s life – the start of ‘big’ school. I totally underestimated how this start for Sammy, would make me feel. My worries were about his age, would he be ready, would he cry, would he make friends. All those questions that all parents think about. For us, he was about to start school in the middle of a global pandemic, which was daunting enough. But despite all that, I still thought, it’s ok, I can do both.

All of this was then compounded by a spell of quarantine post our holiday to Croatia. I knew it ‘might’ happen, we all did, but I hadn’t planned my work diary around having Sammy back at home! Those calls with toddler interruptions again, weren’t in that window. So, Stu and I rallied together and whilst there some late nights again, we made it work.

The ‘arrrgh’ moment

It then happened, the moment of realisation, the moment where you think, oh, this is a lot. A lot of ‘big deals’ all happening at once. No, none of them life threatening of course, but a lot of tabs open in my brain all at once. The stamping of the uniform to questions about budget and plans, all happened in the space of one day. The 135 WhatsApp’s from friends that I hadn’t been able to digest. I knew I would need to quickly decide on where I was going to focus my time and be ok with letting other things get parked. I am lucky, I have a great husband who just got on with it. Washing got done. Dinner got made. Not a single complaint. Until the night where he said to me – as he passed me the cheesy beans on toast for dinner in our home office – “come on now, find your balance”. We call this the red line at work. I was over-stepping the red line and I had only been in role for 5 minutes.

The reason that this is important to me is because I want to role model to my team. All 115 of them. I want them to know that you can do well at work and be a parent (in my case) and a wife and get a workout in too. I can’t be sending emails at ridiculous hours or missing bedtime every night. Occasionally that is ok, but not every day.

To help me in this place of ‘big deals’, I looked at how I wanted to lead. Lead in uncertain and unprecedented times (most used phrases of 2020 there). How did I want people to see me. How did I want them to feel working alongside me. Despite this collision, what was going to be the constant. I was clear on one thing – this was most definitely about ‘how’. There will always be times when it feels hard, or tough. Confusing or pressured. But there will be way more times where it feels exciting, ambitious, excellent and an absolute blast. And I don’t just mean at work. Having the balance of all of those things, both at work and at home, allow you to manage the ‘big deals’. Manage them when they collide and when you least expect it.

The ‘how’

So, this ‘how’ I talk of, it is fairly simple to me. I want to stand for a few core values and have those around me feel those values when they work with me. For those things to be consistent with my teams and business stakeholders. Some may ask, why have I been so honest and open. I know many of the people I work with will read this. Strangers will read this. For me it is about being transparent and authentic. You can still be a leader and have a heart.

So, whilst I navigate the new role, big school and the pandemic, I made the decision to focus on a few key attributes, important me to in the workplace, that would be my north star when the crazy times decided to hit.

  • Listening to understand – I used to always be so quick to jump in with a view or a reply. When do we take the time to really understand what is being said?
  • Emphasising the importance of ‘why?’ – this is so key to any marketer. Why do we want to do it that way? Constructive and credible challenge is key to healthy discussion about the value marketing brings to any business.
  • Simplifying the overcomplicated – if there is a simpler route, not necessarily easy route, that gives us the same result, or better, let’s do it.
  • Being authentic over everything – be yourself. Wear your heart on your sleeve, but be polite, professional and constructive. Give others a sneak peek of who you are as a person. Inspire others. But be authentic. We are all human beings at the end of the day.

And what of this ‘attempting to have it all’ – I’d say you can have what you’re able to carry. That varies for everyone. But what we all have in abundance is choice. Choice about what we carry and how we carry it.

For now, the bag I’m carrying has a healthy dose of career, family, friends, the odd workout and a gin for good measure.

A letter to my boy

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Why you’ll always be the centre of my world

Nearly four. How did that happen? A month away from your fourth birthday and I find myself wondering where on earth the last four years have gone. I thought about waiting until your birthday to pay this tribute to you but today we shared a moment. Those moments, as a parent, that you grasp onto. The moments that make your heart full, even if you’ve not had enough sleep or you’re thinking about the massive laundry pile. The moments that make all the tough stuff worth it. They’re the ones to capture.

When you arrived with us in August 2016, you came into the world screaming like a banshee. Your Daddy has always said you’re a little over dramatic like your Mama, and that was the evidence to prove it. You spent a lot of the first few months of your life screaming your head off and that was tough – really tough. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Was I cut out to be your Mummy, how could I help you and why did you cry so much? Even then though, I still remember your first smile, others said wind, but a Mama knows wind from a real smile. Another moment. I even wrote that one down. I was a bit rubbish with all of that, but I captured that moment. I wasn’t really one for memory books and I still have all the baby grows in the wardrobe that I was going to make into a blanket. But it doesn’t mean you weren’t the centre of my world.

It is probably fair to say that I am an honest parent, and maybe not everyone will agree with that, but I do tend to say it as I see it. I’m not the Mummy who cries when I leave you with someone else, I mean maybe if I had only had four hours sleep but as a rule I didn’t. I’m not the parent who thinks you do no wrong, you’re not an angel. I’m also not the Mama who stays home with you all the time. And I’m definitely not the Mummy who makes costumes for every world book day – you will know about Amazon Prime very soon. But I am a better Mummy for you because I keep a little bit of me with me, all the time. Now, the parent that I will be, will always spur you on, hold your hand and comfort you – ‘big boy’ school is just weeks away. I will always support you no matter what you choose to do and who you choose to do it with (unless it involves criminal activity of course) and I promise to embarrass you at your 21st birthday as the dancing 60 something Mum in the room (took me a while to find Daddy you see). My only wish for you is that you are happy, fulfilled and that you forever know that you are the centre of my world.

I have watched you grow into a little boy with his own mind and his own quirky ways – you always have to carry something in your hands, until of course we are 15 steps out of the house and then they become too heavy to carry. Your love of dinosaurs surpasses all else – now at least, I mean three months ago I was convinced you were going to be a marine biologist when we walked into a shop, and from the top of your lungs you shouted “Mummy can we find a sperm whale in here”. You often tell strangers that you don’t like tomatoes, tuna or celery! I’m with you on the celery one, despite it really annoying Daddy. Your first word was ‘more’, which is really apt given you ask for a snack at least 15,000 times a day now, and the nicest thing you say to me is ‘Mummy you look so pretty’ even when I’m looking my worst. You can be a bit of a tell-tale, but I put that down to you wanting to do the right thing. I admire that in you. I have discovered that you love to do a ‘deal’ for everything; “Sammy can you please help put all of your toys away”, “Ok but can I have one Peter (Rabbit) and two stories, deal, Mummy?”. Your ability to make Daddy and I laugh even when we shouldn’t, happens a lot, especially when you once told us you would give us a time-out if we didn’t stop telling you not to do something. Yes, you see, you really are the centre of my world.

At times though it’s hard and I want a week off. I still like nights out and weekends away. I want a career as well as being a Mummy to you. I don’t always want to build the towers. I get tired and exhausted with everything else going on. But just because I don’t always want to, doesn’t mean I won’t. I always will, always. I do drink wine, I confess, and once threatened to put you on eBay but all of that is just silly talk, because where would I be if my heart didn’t have you. How would I know what real love was actually like? Who would I go to hear a perfected dinosaur roar at the drop of a hat? How would I have known that soft play is occasionally fun (and hell, a lot), or that I can do funny voices when it’s story time at night? I have discovered Moana and Frozen because of you and more recently a love of dancing to film soundtracks, too. You see, you are the centre of my world.

So what of this moment, the one from today that inspired me to put the words down here. Well, we danced! Yep, we danced. To ABBA. You’ve discovered Mamma Mia the film (both of them) and now you love ABBA and you love to dance. You love to ask Alexa to “play Super Trouper by Abbot!”, you haven’t quite got the name right yet. We spent the morning dancing together. Running and laughing in our PJs with squeals of “Mama dance with me, swing me round, Mummy”. I loved every minute. I loved that you had learnt two songs overnight and you were in your element when you remembered the words. I saw your character come to life. I loved that you told me right there that you liked being called Samuel over Sammy now, and maybe even Sam (yeah, Mummy not so much, baby). In that moment, those moments, that half an hour when you weren’t roaring like a dinosaur – my heart was utterly full. It was proof that no matter what happens in life, you will always be the centre of my world.

My darling Samuel, keep being the dinosaur loving, snack requesting, ABBA dancing boy I know and adore today.

I love you always and forever.

Mummy x

Life, love and lockdown!

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That time when a pandemic hit, everything went out the window and we walked.

I mean, where do you even start with this one. On December 31st, 2019, when we were all drinking bubbles and toasting in the new year, did we ever think that the year of 2020 would go down like this?

It has been the strangest of times for me if I’m honest. A permanent state of working from home. A three year old who can’t go to nursery and so is at home with us (while we are working from home – I will soon mention gin!). A Mum who is in isolation and has been now for 10 weeks. Friends and family that we can’t see. Real life examples of friends working close to heart of Covid-19. Emotional and heart wrenching scenarios that require a hug and you can’t even do that.

This virus has affected everyone, everywhere and in so many ways. People have been furloghed, some have lost their jobs or have been unable to work. Many people are angry. At the government. At the people who flout lockdown. And yet, it seems that so many have found a way to relax into a world of simple things. Long walks (oh how we have walked), baking (I am not one of those people by the way), yoga (that either) and now we see a whole new side to people.

Toddlergate

Lockdown life, as we call here at Chez Jennings, has been testing in equal measure. Yes, I know I am very lucky to still have my job, but let me tell you, that working at home with a toddler is a tough gig! In week three at home, Sammy came into a room, where I was on a call with a Partner and one of my team members, shouting “Mummy I want the one with the sperm whale, can I have the sperm whale, Mummmmmmy” – episode 678 of the Octonauts was on. I told the guys on the call I’d be two minutes, turned my camera off and muted my laptop (or so I thought) and said “Sammy, give Mummy a break, I’m on a call here y’know” – and of course he didn’t have a clue what I was on about – but everyone else did when I discovered I hadn’t muted my laptop at all and heard sounds of “we can still hear you”. Now, thankfully, I work for a brilliant firm and we’ve seen cats, dogs, kids, husbands, wives, all in the background of our meetings, but trying to parent and do a job in the same place in the same day, is not something I thought I’d be doing.

Loves me, loves me not…

So we have the juggling act that is parenting and working, now throw in being in the same place as your other half for weeks on end. I love Stu, of course I do, but he would be the first to agree that this hasn’t been easy on our marriage, or our livers (here comes the gin!). At first we said “ok, we can do this, few months in lockdown, how hard can it be”. The first few weeks were ok, we did buy a lot (and drink a lot) of wine, beer, gin, (all of the above), almost like we were on a holiday with a bit of work thrown in. Except, actually, the realisation was that work wasn’t going anywhere and with Sammy at home, this meant me in the office for a lot of the day and him in the office for a lot of the evening – up until midnight some nights. It is tough! He is tired and we have both suffered with the short fuse on occasion. Then remembering to do extra washing of the hands and be safe when venturing out, was a whole new way of living. We live for our holidays. Totally happy working really hard all year to have a trip or two away, so now, filled with the prospect of not getting away, we are faced with the fact we might be in each others pockets for the rest of the year! Eeeek. So we’ve had to talk openly. We’ve had to find a few things we can do for ‘space’. I write and watch trash TV! He walks the dog, does the weekly shop (result), oh and he bakes…..did I mention that? He is the baker, not me.

Dose of perspective

Whilst we can all laugh at the toddler scenarios in this lockdown life, there have also been some heart wrenching moments. A colleague of mine, lost her husband to this awful virus. Herself young and him too, with a young daughter, this was the reality of what we were faced with. How do you move on from something like that? Her bravery and openness has amazed me. Other friends I know have lost loved ones and are carers for others and stories like theirs and that of Colonel Tom and of the amazing key workers and carers, continuing on through this storm, have inspired me. My much needed dose of perspective comes from hearing about all of their bravery.

So in all of this craziness, here is what have I learned about myself, others and life in this lockdown world. What have you learned?

Lockdown learnings

1. I miss the commute (who would have thought that). I liked that time to myself. Reading my emails, calling friends or reading a book. The peace. I often complained about that 90 minute slog, but now I miss it.

2. I appreciate open spaces. We have found some open fields near our house that we didn’t know existed and when the sun shines, they are the perfect walking spot. We have walked and walked and walked. Some weekends, Stu, Sammy and I walk a 5k route, and Sammy only has little legs! We make an effort to do this nearly every day just to get the fresh air (and tire the boy out so he sleeps!).

3. I am much more relaxed about mess! I am a neat freak normally.  But working at home with a three year old has walked all over that and I’m ok with that……really I am…..! I let him trash the house daily. I still tidy every single night for the normality, but every single day he gets it all. out. again.

4. I rely heavily on my family to be part of my life. This time apart from my Mum and Brother has been hard but what a celebration we will have when this is done. Virtual calls are the order of the day now for us. We set Mum up on a laptop and taught her how to use Hangouts and she was off. Even booking herself online shopping slots and all sorts. But I miss her. I miss them. I cannot wait to throw my arms around them……..and book Mum in for a week of babysitting!

5. I feel gratitude much more now than ever. Grateful to be healthy. To have a job. To work for a great employer. To have wonderful team mates who are flexible every day whilst I juggle parenting and working. To have a little boy who loves the simple things in life like throwing stones in a river. To have brilliant WhatsApp groups full of good friends, that have kept the humour. Grateful to wonderful neighbours who have rallied around and made the effort to get to know all of us, now that we are all at home more. Grateful for video calls and virtual quizzes (who would have thought?!). Mostly, I am also grateful that my husband is a saint!!

A few weeks ago, a colleague of mine asked how I was and I replied “Well, my toddler trashes my house every day. I have about 7 headaches come Friday. And I weigh more now than I did when I was full term pregnant with Samuel. Other than that I am peachy”. And, despite a slightly wider waistline, few extra headaches and toddler lego bricks in every corner of my house, I am ok. We are ok. This too shall pass, and what a story we will have to tell.