Family

A letter to my boy

Marz4 Comments

Why you’ll always be the centre of my world

Nearly four. How did that happen? A month away from your fourth birthday and I find myself wondering where on earth the last four years have gone. I thought about waiting until your birthday to pay this tribute to you but today we shared a moment. Those moments, as a parent, that you grasp onto. The moments that make your heart full, even if you’ve not had enough sleep or you’re thinking about the massive laundry pile. The moments that make all the tough stuff worth it. They’re the ones to capture.

When you arrived with us in August 2016, you came into the world screaming like a banshee. Your Daddy has always said you’re a little over dramatic like your Mama, and that was the evidence to prove it. You spent a lot of the first few months of your life screaming your head off and that was tough – really tough. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Was I cut out to be your Mummy, how could I help you and why did you cry so much? Even then though, I still remember your first smile, others said wind, but a Mama knows wind from a real smile. Another moment. I even wrote that one down. I was a bit rubbish with all of that, but I captured that moment. I wasn’t really one for memory books and I still have all the baby grows in the wardrobe that I was going to make into a blanket. But it doesn’t mean you weren’t the centre of my world.

It is probably fair to say that I am an honest parent, and maybe not everyone will agree with that, but I do tend to say it as I see it. I’m not the Mummy who cries when I leave you with someone else, I mean maybe if I had only had four hours sleep but as a rule I didn’t. I’m not the parent who thinks you do no wrong, you’re not an angel. I’m also not the Mama who stays home with you all the time. And I’m definitely not the Mummy who makes costumes for every world book day – you will know about Amazon Prime very soon. But I am a better Mummy for you because I keep a little bit of me with me, all the time. Now, the parent that I will be, will always spur you on, hold your hand and comfort you – ‘big boy’ school is just weeks away. I will always support you no matter what you choose to do and who you choose to do it with (unless it involves criminal activity of course) and I promise to embarrass you at your 21st birthday as the dancing 60 something Mum in the room (took me a while to find Daddy you see). My only wish for you is that you are happy, fulfilled and that you forever know that you are the centre of my world.

I have watched you grow into a little boy with his own mind and his own quirky ways – you always have to carry something in your hands, until of course we are 15 steps out of the house and then they become too heavy to carry. Your love of dinosaurs surpasses all else – now at least, I mean three months ago I was convinced you were going to be a marine biologist when we walked into a shop, and from the top of your lungs you shouted “Mummy can we find a sperm whale in here”. You often tell strangers that you don’t like tomatoes, tuna or celery! I’m with you on the celery one, despite it really annoying Daddy. Your first word was ‘more’, which is really apt given you ask for a snack at least 15,000 times a day now, and the nicest thing you say to me is ‘Mummy you look so pretty’ even when I’m looking my worst. You can be a bit of a tell-tale, but I put that down to you wanting to do the right thing. I admire that in you. I have discovered that you love to do a ‘deal’ for everything; “Sammy can you please help put all of your toys away”, “Ok but can I have one Peter (Rabbit) and two stories, deal, Mummy?”. Your ability to make Daddy and I laugh even when we shouldn’t, happens a lot, especially when you once told us you would give us a time-out if we didn’t stop telling you not to do something. Yes, you see, you really are the centre of my world.

At times though it’s hard and I want a week off. I still like nights out and weekends away. I want a career as well as being a Mummy to you. I don’t always want to build the towers. I get tired and exhausted with everything else going on. But just because I don’t always want to, doesn’t mean I won’t. I always will, always. I do drink wine, I confess, and once threatened to put you on eBay but all of that is just silly talk, because where would I be if my heart didn’t have you. How would I know what real love was actually like? Who would I go to hear a perfected dinosaur roar at the drop of a hat? How would I have known that soft play is occasionally fun (and hell, a lot), or that I can do funny voices when it’s story time at night? I have discovered Moana and Frozen because of you and more recently a love of dancing to film soundtracks, too. You see, you are the centre of my world.

So what of this moment, the one from today that inspired me to put the words down here. Well, we danced! Yep, we danced. To ABBA. You’ve discovered Mamma Mia the film (both of them) and now you love ABBA and you love to dance. You love to ask Alexa to “play Super Trouper by Abbot!”, you haven’t quite got the name right yet. We spent the morning dancing together. Running and laughing in our PJs with squeals of “Mama dance with me, swing me round, Mummy”. I loved every minute. I loved that you had learnt two songs overnight and you were in your element when you remembered the words. I saw your character come to life. I loved that you told me right there that you liked being called Samuel over Sammy now, and maybe even Sam (yeah, Mummy not so much, baby). In that moment, those moments, that half an hour when you weren’t roaring like a dinosaur – my heart was utterly full. It was proof that no matter what happens in life, you will always be the centre of my world.

My darling Samuel, keep being the dinosaur loving, snack requesting, ABBA dancing boy I know and adore today.

I love you always and forever.

Mummy x

The irony of grief

Marz2 Comments

If only there were phones in heaven.

I started to write this piece a week or so ago. I edited it. Deleted it. Started again. It goes against all blog rules in terms of word count that’s for sure, but I felt like this was a subject that could go on and on. It’s a funny subject to write about because grief is such a personal thing. It comes in all shapes and sizes. People don’t like to talk about it. They can shy away from it. It doesn’t need to be about death, but it definitely involves the feeling of loss. 

I decided to write this a week or so ago because this weekend sees us dive into Father’s Day in the UK. A day when my brother and I used to take the old man down to a local pub and have fish and chips and a pint (him not me). That was a tradition we had and something that Chris and I (Chris is my brother, for those of you who don’t know), along with my Mum, Stu and now Sammy have tried to do since – fish and chips down the pub. I say since, because my Dad is no longer here. He died in 2011. Milestones and dates always crop up in the year when you are reminded of the loss. Reminded of the fact that you no longer need to buy that ‘Dad’ card anymore. Simple things, yet the things I have personally found very hard. 

“I used to take the old man down to the local for fish and chips and a pint!”

So, what about this irony I mention. The irony that the person you want to talk to about how you’re feeling, what you did that day, that piece of advice you might need. That person you want to talk to about the loss you feel, the grief, is the person that is no longer here. I have said many times “if only there were phones in heaven”. Just to have one more call. One last chat, or in our case debate about some topic or other. For me that comes from the sudden nature of what happened to him, to us. I don’t think that differs if you lose a loved one after a lengthy illness either. Despite having time perhaps to say all the things you want, that feeling of wanting to say more never goes away, for me anyway.

My Dad was the person who was practical, opinionated – and those of you reading this who knew him, know exactly what I mean – he had a solution for everything. Yes, he was stubborn, but he did always have an answer, even if it wasn’t the one you wanted to hear. So many times, since his death I have wanted one more chat. On the big life choices. That void for me is still so huge, especially when it comes to my career and work. He was good at that stuff. Yes I miss so much about him and feel angry that he never got to meet Stu or his grandson, but as a daughter I just wish I could have one more chat.

One of the biggest decisions I ever made when he was alive was when I decided to move to Singapore for work. I remember the calls to my Mum and Dad so clearly. My Mum said “why do you want to move so many miles away. It’s so far, you can’t just ‘pop’ home”, she wasn’t so sure about her baby girl moving to the other side of the world. She relented of course, and was very proud of me, but at first, she wasn’t entirely ok with it. The call with my Dad on the other hand, “Brilliant Bella (my Dad’s nickname for me), you must do it, why on earth would you even be second guessing, pack your bags and go and I will visit you” – all said in his Croatian way. That was the other side of the coin. And I did go, and he did visit. What transpired on the second leg of that work trip, when I moved on to Australia, was that I was in Sydney when I got that call from my Mum to say he had gone. My first thought? I am so many miles away from home. And let me tell you, those words from my Mum rang in my ears on that god-awful flight home.

“Brilliant Bella! Pack your bags and go”

This week I caught up with a work friend who recently lost her husband. We chatted with two other work friends. It was lovely. And all of us on that call, whilst there to find out how she was doing, realised that we had all suffered loss. Different types of loss of course, but we all knew grief. Painful, heart aching, stomach churning grief. And yet we were all surviving. This made me remember a quote I saw many years ago which reads “little by little we let go of loss, but never of love”. That’s why despite always feeling like a little piece of my heart has gone forever and there are days when I miss him immensely, or get choked at realising I haven’t looked at his picture in a while and I’ve forgotten what he looked like, the love remains. What I will add here before we get too tear jerky, is my Dad wasn’t a saint, we argued, a lot, but, as an adult I found that he was the one who gave me the other side to the coin, and without question he loved us. So, the love does outweigh the loss. Always. And it is that love that keeps the loss under control, for me. 

“Little by little we let go of loss, but never of love”

More poignantly, and heartbreakingly, this piece has even more meaning for me, because today one of my closest friends lost her beautiful Mum. I have cried for her. Knowing that she too now is at the hands of grief and loss. A different kind, because it is unique to us all, but nevertheless, a heart wrenching feeling. My greatest hope is that the immense love they had will help carry her through. In the last six months, two of my other friends lost their Dads. Loss and grief are all around for so many, every day. But if we hold onto the love, then that is where we can hold onto hope.

Of course, given it is Father’s Day this weekend, I am now lucky that I get to celebrate another wonderful father in my Stu. Sammy gets to buy him another mug (what else do you buy them?!) and whilst this ‘new world’ we live in means we can’t go to a pub tomorrow; we might keep the tradition alive and have fish and chips! The irony there though, is that I’d love to call my old man to tell him that.

In memory of all those we have lost who are dear to us . My candle is alight.