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When the storm gets rough

Marz6 Comments

Remembering that it’s ok to not always be ok.

Hi there, it’s been a while hasn’t it? September was the last time I posted on here and that was a huge milestone for us as Sammy started school. Since then, so much has happened – lockdowns, more lockdowns, a cancelled Christmas, vaccinations, elections (am so thankful Trump has gone), the list goes on. I genuinely didn’t expect us to be here nearly a year on. The storm has certainly raged over that time. 

I heard a phrase early on in the first lockdown in March last year which has stuck with me. So many people said that we were all in the ‘same boat’ – but actually we’re not. In the same storm yes absolutely, but not everyone has the same boat. Some have luxury yachts, while others are struggling to keep a dinghy afloat.  And that is the reality. The storm too can rage for people in different ways, some pass through it, taking each day as it comes. Others really find the monotony of life tough to handle. 

“Being lucky doesn’t mean that it can’t feel tough too”

I felt really hopeful last autumn that this thing that has held us to ransom for the last year, might start to leave us alone. But now as we head into February half term (yep, I’m now that person that talks in school terms), I have a 4 year old at home, again, and the juggle is absolutely real. I am clinging onto the fact that he might be able to go back to school in March, so at least work life can feel more tolerable. There is some light relief somewhere in all of this though. If I tell you that just this last week Sammy joined me on a virtual call with one of my teammates Claire, so that he could show her his herbivore and carnivore dinosaur roars, it wouldn’t be a joke. Now, it certainly gave Claire and I a much needed giggle, but there are also days when I just want to shout. Loudly. I don’t have a reason, I’m lucky and I realise I’m lucky. But being lucky doesn’t mean that it can’t feel tough too.

It felt tough last week, I hit a wall. Full pelt. Head on. I remember thinking that I couldn’t remember what my old life felt like. I questioned my marriage, my work, myself. I have since chatted to friends, work colleagues and Stu and the world already feels very different. The power of talking and teaming are very important for me. But for that moment, that week, it felt bloody hard. I know that this wall presented itself as a result of a very full on and emotional few weeks that preceded. You see, as a marketing team, we were grieving. I was grieving.

“The days and weeks after were heavy”

We’d lost our friend and teammate Jack in January in very tragic circumstances. It floored us all. Our sadness and heartache extended to Liz, also in our team and Jack’s partner. Hands down one of the toughest phone calls I have had to take. The days and weeks after that, including the day he was laid to rest this week, were heavy. There is no manual for this type of thing and so you just operate on gut instinct – well, that’s what I did I guess. Your priority is getting arms around the team, but in a way that doesn’t feel like a corporate boilerplate. For me, I simply had to be me. Show them that I too felt their pain. I hope that they knew very early on from the tears they saw me openly shed, that we are all human. 

There was a fleeting moment where I questioned the tears. Is this what ‘the boss’ should be doing in front of her team – our crew as I love to call us. There is a stigma that too often surrounds this concept of leadership and a stiff upper lip. Leadership for me is not about a corporate manual or org charts. It’s about a dialogue between one person and another. It is human and real. I knew very early on when I took this role, that I was going to be me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am passionate. And above all else, I care. Being anything other than me would have felt dishonest to me and to the team. You will never please everyone, I understand that, but being authentic will see you a long way.

“Just be yourself and do your best”

People will always have a view of what you should or shouldn’t do, and when faced with that quandary I will always remember a great bit of advice I once heard from that wise man, my Dad – “Don’t worry Bella, just be yourself and do your best” and whenever there is a day when even being yourself and doing your best feels too hard, just remember it’s ok not to feel ok.

A letter to my boy

Marz4 Comments

Why you’ll always be the centre of my world

Nearly four. How did that happen? A month away from your fourth birthday and I find myself wondering where on earth the last four years have gone. I thought about waiting until your birthday to pay this tribute to you but today we shared a moment. Those moments, as a parent, that you grasp onto. The moments that make your heart full, even if you’ve not had enough sleep or you’re thinking about the massive laundry pile. The moments that make all the tough stuff worth it. They’re the ones to capture.

When you arrived with us in August 2016, you came into the world screaming like a banshee. Your Daddy has always said you’re a little over dramatic like your Mama, and that was the evidence to prove it. You spent a lot of the first few months of your life screaming your head off and that was tough – really tough. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Was I cut out to be your Mummy, how could I help you and why did you cry so much? Even then though, I still remember your first smile, others said wind, but a Mama knows wind from a real smile. Another moment. I even wrote that one down. I was a bit rubbish with all of that, but I captured that moment. I wasn’t really one for memory books and I still have all the baby grows in the wardrobe that I was going to make into a blanket. But it doesn’t mean you weren’t the centre of my world.

It is probably fair to say that I am an honest parent, and maybe not everyone will agree with that, but I do tend to say it as I see it. I’m not the Mummy who cries when I leave you with someone else, I mean maybe if I had only had four hours sleep but as a rule I didn’t. I’m not the parent who thinks you do no wrong, you’re not an angel. I’m also not the Mama who stays home with you all the time. And I’m definitely not the Mummy who makes costumes for every world book day – you will know about Amazon Prime very soon. But I am a better Mummy for you because I keep a little bit of me with me, all the time. Now, the parent that I will be, will always spur you on, hold your hand and comfort you – ‘big boy’ school is just weeks away. I will always support you no matter what you choose to do and who you choose to do it with (unless it involves criminal activity of course) and I promise to embarrass you at your 21st birthday as the dancing 60 something Mum in the room (took me a while to find Daddy you see). My only wish for you is that you are happy, fulfilled and that you forever know that you are the centre of my world.

I have watched you grow into a little boy with his own mind and his own quirky ways – you always have to carry something in your hands, until of course we are 15 steps out of the house and then they become too heavy to carry. Your love of dinosaurs surpasses all else – now at least, I mean three months ago I was convinced you were going to be a marine biologist when we walked into a shop, and from the top of your lungs you shouted “Mummy can we find a sperm whale in here”. You often tell strangers that you don’t like tomatoes, tuna or celery! I’m with you on the celery one, despite it really annoying Daddy. Your first word was ‘more’, which is really apt given you ask for a snack at least 15,000 times a day now, and the nicest thing you say to me is ‘Mummy you look so pretty’ even when I’m looking my worst. You can be a bit of a tell-tale, but I put that down to you wanting to do the right thing. I admire that in you. I have discovered that you love to do a ‘deal’ for everything; “Sammy can you please help put all of your toys away”, “Ok but can I have one Peter (Rabbit) and two stories, deal, Mummy?”. Your ability to make Daddy and I laugh even when we shouldn’t, happens a lot, especially when you once told us you would give us a time-out if we didn’t stop telling you not to do something. Yes, you see, you really are the centre of my world.

At times though it’s hard and I want a week off. I still like nights out and weekends away. I want a career as well as being a Mummy to you. I don’t always want to build the towers. I get tired and exhausted with everything else going on. But just because I don’t always want to, doesn’t mean I won’t. I always will, always. I do drink wine, I confess, and once threatened to put you on eBay but all of that is just silly talk, because where would I be if my heart didn’t have you. How would I know what real love was actually like? Who would I go to hear a perfected dinosaur roar at the drop of a hat? How would I have known that soft play is occasionally fun (and hell, a lot), or that I can do funny voices when it’s story time at night? I have discovered Moana and Frozen because of you and more recently a love of dancing to film soundtracks, too. You see, you are the centre of my world.

So what of this moment, the one from today that inspired me to put the words down here. Well, we danced! Yep, we danced. To ABBA. You’ve discovered Mamma Mia the film (both of them) and now you love ABBA and you love to dance. You love to ask Alexa to “play Super Trouper by Abbot!”, you haven’t quite got the name right yet. We spent the morning dancing together. Running and laughing in our PJs with squeals of “Mama dance with me, swing me round, Mummy”. I loved every minute. I loved that you had learnt two songs overnight and you were in your element when you remembered the words. I saw your character come to life. I loved that you told me right there that you liked being called Samuel over Sammy now, and maybe even Sam (yeah, Mummy not so much, baby). In that moment, those moments, that half an hour when you weren’t roaring like a dinosaur – my heart was utterly full. It was proof that no matter what happens in life, you will always be the centre of my world.

My darling Samuel, keep being the dinosaur loving, snack requesting, ABBA dancing boy I know and adore today.

I love you always and forever.

Mummy x

‘Be the reason someone smiles today’

Marz2 Comments

People always remember how you made them feel.

This picture hangs in my office at home and in this Mental Health Awareness week, it reminded me of the importance of our behaviour in the workplace and the impact it can have on others.

I’m a big advocate for looking after our mental as well as our physical health but admit that on occasion I probably don’t give ‘me’ the time and relevant MOT checks I probably should. I did a Psychology related degree (it was actually Psychology and Criminology but that’s for another day) and have always been interested in what makes people tick. I’m an over thinker by my own admission but love the differences in people and how they behave. This has helped me in the workplace by approaching each person as an individual.

Supporting others at work

I’m lucky that I work for an employer that places great emphasis on supporting individuals and their mental health and we regularly see internal and external campaigns on this topic, even supported by Board members. And the workplace is one of the places where I think we should all be a little more aware of others and how they feel. Be kind. Be considerate. That doesn’t mean accepting bad behaviour or under-performance for example, but even in those cases, be a human being.

Maya Angelou once said “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”. I can really relate to this. I’m sure that we all have off days where we are grumpy or take our woes out on others, but by accepting that each of us has the potential to impact how someone else feels, means that we could all do with checking ourselves occasionally, especially at work, where we spend a lot of our time.

People are important

I’ve been in various roles over the last 20 years and more recently I have had the privilege of leading great teams. Every single person in those teams is as important as the next and each of them bring something to the table, irrespective of the project or challenge we face. As I have grown in my role, I have received coaching, mentoring and not just from those more senior either, and I learn something new all the time from the people I work with. Taking each of those small things that we learn and observe in others, can help ensure that we ‘check ourselves’ when thinking about the feelings of others. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:

‘Thank you’ – it’s so simple isn’t it? But how many times do you forget to say it? I really value when my boss says thank you. In any shape or form, for something simple or complex, it makes me feel motivated. I feel like I have been noticed. That evening when you worked late. The time you dropped everything to do another powerpoint deck (we love a deck), or when that amazing PA found you a meeting room with 7 minutes to spare. I try to say thank you, as often as I can, to all the great guys and gals I get to work with in my role. It’s important to call out great delivery, or going above and beyond, or simply just doing what they needed to do – even if included dropping everything for another deck! Make sure people hear it too – as individuals or as a team. An email. On a call. When you bump into them in the lift. In a tweet. In the pub. Wherever. But say it, because it has the power to change someone’s day.

‘We, not I’ – I think the worst thing in the world is when someone takes the glory for the work that has been done by many. That’s rubbish! When has anything ever really been done by one person. I call this out a lot. ‘We not I’ is important to me. So many roles require others to help us do what we do, and I can’t do my job without the amazing people I work with. Leaders can lead. Designers can design. Writers can write. But there is always someone in a shape or form, there to help them do it. I try to instil this in others too. A reminder when someone else should have been on the email chain, or in the launch comm. Trying to use this approach to role model to others. Using this philosophy when the great results achieved on a thing that I am down as the ‘leader’ on, are showcased with everyone involved at the heart of it . The importance of team and collaboration in making others feel valued is key for me.

‘Slow down’ – finally, if like me, you run at a million miles an hour; remember that not everyone can run at your pace. Slow down. Who wants to feel like they can’t catch up or that they need to operate like you do. I find people are often really receptive to being told to slow down, me included. And yes they need reminding sometimes, but definitely tell them. Then they can adapt their approach to make you feel part of the journey (I hate that word, so I promise not to ‘journey’ too much in this blog).  I was once mentored by a lovely woman called Becky (she will know who she is if she reads this) and she taught me something really valuable. Now, do I always stick to it? No, probably not, and I am definitely improving; but I try to send less emails in the evening. So what, I hear you say. She told me that sending emails late, especially to those more junior, can make them feel like they have to reply. Putting them under pressure. It’s true. I feel it myself occasionally. So now, I send emails in the evening to those I know are expecting something or will be online late because that pattern works for them, but I tend to draft my emails and then send first thing.

Now I’m not saying that me not sending a late email or using the term ‘we’ in all my team meetings brings out the smiles in everyone – that’s not what I mean and I’d definitely need to get over myself if I did! I guess I’m saying think of others. Adapt, to help others. Do the little things that you know will make even the tiniest difference to one person. No, of course we won’t be able to do it all the time – the proverbial hits the fan occasionally – but a few little things, could mean that you’re ‘the reason someone smiles today’.

However, there is, of course, always a really easy way to make someone smile, in or out of the workplace – cake! Works every time.

Mental Health Awareness Week 18-24 May 2020

www.mind.org.uk

www.headstogether.org.uk

www.samaritans.org

Carpe Diem

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When you take the old man’s advice and seize the day!

It has taken me a while to decide to publish my inner ramblings. I’ve always loved to write, but never thought about putting it out there in the big wide world. I find it therapeutic. A break from parenting a three year old, trying to develop a career and stay married. Be a sister, a daughter and a friend. As well as have some me time. All of those things combined are a challenge, but I do love a challenge!

Many of you might be thinking, why? For me it’s just an outlet. A place to share things I have learnt, perspectives on topics I’m passionate about and, why not? Some people might even enjoy ‘my musings’, we shall see. Ultimately I just love talking so this is a way of capturing it all.

Open to the public

But it’s an interesting concept isn’t it, sharing your thoughts with complete strangers. I have found out a lot from other blogs I read and it got me thinking, what do I want this blog to be about? What could others get out of reading my ‘stuff’? There is social media for that too I guess (I’m a big fan of the ‘Gram) but sometimes a perspective, or point of view on top of an instastory, or a facebook post is what I need. I’m a thinker by nature. I like research, I research everything. I like to be informed.

So here are three things that I get out of reading other people’s ‘stuff’ and others might get out of reading mine.

  • ‘That’s totally normal’ – often as a Mum, I worry about how I’m doing it and what I’m doing, will he be scarred for life if I shout at him, or if I work another late night? Is it just a phase when he tells me he prefers Daddy to me?! Yes that one, probably linked to the former point. Is it ok to want a career and to be a parent, in equal measure. Just knowing that I am not alone in the joy and pain of parenting has helped me enormously.
  • ‘Yes I do really need that’ – I would be a liar if I said that I haven’t spent a lot of money on things I would never have discovered if I didn’t read blogs or use social media. I go looking for – “best way to paint tiles” – to discover via blog number three, why paint tiles when you can buy tile stickers?! I mean that was the best discovery in while for me. I’ve loved finding small brands that I may not have otherwise discovered, to compliment more traditional brands that I love.
  • ‘Honesty is the best policy’ – I’m often told at work that I am firm but fair, honest but caring and that I “tell it how it is”. I used to worry about that phrase. Did that mean that I lacked empathy, or didn’t care about others? Actually what I have realised is that is a bit of a super power. Getting to the point, cutting through the noise, just being transparent. You can still wrap a massive hug around that. I love reading people’s honest accounts of life. No rubbish. Straightforwardness at its best. I will always aim to be honest, but will occasionally wrap a hug around that too (or pour a gin, and have a hug, but then there will likely be tears, and that’s for another post!).

So that is blog post number one. I hope to share my ‘stuff’, my ‘musings’ with you often. I don’t really mind if no-one reads, but for me this is my ‘therapy’, my ‘me time’. I once read an article about ‘writing a good blog’ and it did say that your first post will probably be rubbish, but my Dad often used to say ‘Carpe Diem’ – so here you go, I am seizing the day.