Why taking time to breathe has been good for my soul.
Taking a career break is the best thing I’ve ever done.
Now, I’m fully aware that leaving a job, or stepping out of a role, for some time off isn’t something that everyone can do, for a whole host of reasons. I know I’ve been SO lucky to have this opportunity. But I tell you something, it been good for my soul. 🌈
Importantly, I’m achieving my primary goal of spending more time being Mama – and admitting that it’s harder to be a full time parent than it is doing marketing. 😊
I’ve learnt a lot over the last two months, and with another two months before I start a new role (exciting), I thought I’d share some of my reflections from my time out:
🌟 I know my stuff – over the last year I definitely doubted myself for various reasons – not knowing if I’d lost ‘my touch’. But having interviewed for a few roles and met some really great people, I remembered what I love! I was asked to go along and talk to teams (thanks again Verity Gregson) and asked for advice from people I respect (Caroline Rhys Jones). I even got asked to do some consultancy work via a contact of my Dad’s, which totally warmed my heart. Marketing really is my great love, and I’m excited to do more, with great new people.
🌟 Being brave is cool – leaving a role that I loved at a firm that I’d been at for over a decade, was brave. At the time I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing, but now I know it was simply the next chapter. I also left a role before this last one, after nearly a decade, and survived! It takes courage to see that the place you’re in isn’t part of the next chapter, and then make change. I hold so many wonderful memories from that time, as I do from a career spanning over 25 years! No regrets, just gratitude, but time for something new.
🌟 I am really lucky – having time out has allowed me to focus on my family, my friendships (old and new) and me! To think I have already had a few months off is mind blowing. But I have packed in so much. I got a new job! I’ve had lovely lunches with friends. I’ve spent time with my family. Had a holiday. And importantly, Sammy has stopped asking me if I am going to London. There’s also the flip side – people I thought would stay in touch, or reach out, haven’t and that has been hard. But equally I’ve heard from so many people I didn’t expect to, and I’m so grateful to everyone who has supported during this time.
🌟 Being his Mama is the best job – this time has been so restorative, not just for me (I’m walking, exercising – sort of – and being kinder to myself generally), but also for Sammy. I am present. When he wakes, When he gets home. And I get to do more bedtimes. You cannot put a price on that. I know that when I go back to work in a few months, to a new role, I will need to balance things again, but this time will have set me up to find the balance we need as a family.
So as I head into spring (I’m hopeful that is is finally here) and wrap up the Easter holiday with a few more days out, I feel grateful, rested and happy! If you’d have told me six months ago that’s how I’d be feeling now, I don’t think I’d have believed you, so I guess I can’t ask for more that.
Why menopause should be a topic of conversation for everyone!
I haven’t written anything on here for a year – which I am disappointed about. Not least because it genuinely is a cathartic thing to do. Today I felt like I wanted to capture some thoughts on a topic that I – now – feel like I want to talk about, and champion. The menopause.
A bit of a taboo subject I know and I debated whether to share this here so publicly, but when you feel that the dialogue needs to be louder on a topic that many will shy away from, I figured it might help.
It’s something I now feel hugely passionate about and I hope that sharing my recent experience will help others, especially in the workplace. A post shared here on LinkedInby one of my marketing crew, is so important to so many, and not just women. Employers, men, friends, partners all need to be aware of the impact that menopause can have on women. After all, it happens to half of the population. Many of you will know that I work at PwC and our work at PwC on this topic has been brilliant in its recognition of what this means for men and women in the workplace.
I mean who wants to talk about periods?
I get that for some people this topic is a little taboo, I mean who wants to openly talk about periods right? But this is so much more than a hot flush or two and the time of the month. The reason this is important to me is because without the work that my colleagues and team mates at PwC have done to talk about this topic, I would never have known I was smack bang in the middle of menopause. It sounds strange to say that out loud and of course I debated sharing this so publicly, but I genuinely feel grateful for the answers I now have in what was an extremely unnerving time for me – and has to be said, for my husband too.
What do I mean by unnerving? If I’m honest I hadn’t been feeling ‘myself’ for around three years. Maybe longer. But I put what I was experiencing down to having had a child at 40 years old, (I’m nearly 46 now). Baby brain. Tired from trying to have a career, a young son, a marriage, a home. All the things that women tell themselves. But it was when I started to google ‘early dementia signs’ on a regular basis that I knew something was off.
Am I losing my mind?
I often joked with my husband that I would lose things before I’d even had a chance to. That I couldn’t remember a simple list of groceries. That I would feel worried or anxious about something very simple. And now he and I both look back and realise this was something that I coped with, or on some occasions didn’t cope with, for a long time, but hid well. It was also something that we now realise could have resulted in the breakdown of our marriage too, but thankfully didn’t. So you see, this is more than just a hot flush!
What triggered my trip to the GP was some pain I’d been having in my shoulder, neck and chest and some heart palpitations that were getting pretty regular and debilitating. I hadn’t shared this with anyone really, not even Stu. I also hadn’t really considered menopause despite a whole host of other symptoms that I’d kind of laughed off if I’m honest. Even when I was off work and I confided in a few people, their first reaction was “is work too much, do you feel stressed” and I guess I was there too. But it’s so easy to blame work and dive right into “it must be stress”. I love what I do, and yes I take my leadership and team responsibilities seriously, and it’s a place I thrive – but when the thing I loved also became tough because I couldn’t remember what I’d agreed, or names of people, or even how to do what I do best, I knew something else must be going on.
You’re not just stressed
A wonderfully considerate GP, a bunch of tests and a few weeks off work to see what was going on, found that while there were things to rectify, my blood tests showed I was in menopause. And very much so. To quote my doctor and the menopause specialist I have spoken to since “it’s no wonder you’ve felt like you couldn’t function”. My memory loss was really worrying me. Even just recently telling one of my team that my husband worked for a Bank that he hadn’t worked at in over ten years – and in the background Stu looking at me with a really puzzled face! The weight gain came very quickly. The achey joints. Itchy skin. Low concentration. The thinning hair. Anxiety in scenarios that never used to phase me. Insomnia. Worrying I would drop the ball at work. At times – and I know I can be dramatic – I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. But I ploughed on just thinking this was life and I’m sure so many other women do the same.
Did you know that there could be more than a million women with menopausal symptoms that feel like they can’t continue in their work because of the lack of support they are getting, both from their employer and their GP. A million women? “A poll of 2,000 women currently experiencing menopause or premenopausal symptoms across the UK, commissioned by Koru Kids, found 18 per cent were looking to leave their jobs because of their symptoms. Koru Kids estimates there are at least 5.87 million women of menopausal or premenopausal age currently working in the UK – extrapolated from data from the Office for National Statistics – meaning that at least 1,057,000 woman could be looking to quit because of their symptoms”.People Management January 2022
Isn’t that astounding? But I can see how this can happen. I am very fortunate to work for an employer that takes these issues seriously. I had a few weeks off to assess what might be going on health wise and came away discovering something entirely different. And I admit, when the doctor told me that my FSH levels were off the scale, I cried. Not because I was worried but because I was so relieved. I genuinely felt like I was slowly going crazy and my doctor told me she hears so many women say the same thing. I’d finally discovered what was going on. Yet to think that initially when I saw a private male GP, he told me to go onto antidepressants despite me not articulating symptoms related to clinical depression – this is a very common occurrence. Antidepressants help with clinical depression of course, but they are not the answer to menopause.
There are brilliant resources that can help
I have since found such a brilliant list of resources that have helped me understand the menopause, the power of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) in giving women their lives back (albeit I appreciate not everyone can take HRT) and how many women fly under the radar for fear of the stigma attached to this topic. If you haven’t heard of Dr Louise Newson,she is “paving the way for evidence-based care, treatment for women during peri-menopause and menopause”. The balance app has been invaluable for me and I encourage others who haven’t discovered this yet to give it a try. More importantly, HRT can be a live saver and I don’t say that lightly.
If you think about being diagnosed with a disease like diabetes or having thyroid problems, both hormone related, you are given medication to address the hormone deficiency or hormones lost. HRT should be afforded the same importance. Yet many GPs will not give it to women experiencing symptoms. I know it won’t be the answer for everyone or indeed the answer as a standalone, but for so many women it will help them feel like they can get back what they’ve lost. Because it can feel like you have lost part of who you were – and maybe then we won’t see this impact women in the workplace either.
I’m very early on in this journey and I’m sure there will be a lot that I learn as I go. I hope that by sharing my experience, and one I hid for a while for fear of what people might say, it can go some way towards ending the stigma surrounding menopause. All I know is that for the first time in a long time I feel a huge sense of hope, not just for me personally (I’m praying HRT works just so I can remember where my husband actually works), but also for other women who have been suffering in silence for way too long.
Let’s continually remind people that this topic matters and people need to know that menopause is more than just a hot flush!
Hi there, it’s been a while hasn’t it? September was the last time I posted on here and that was a huge milestone for us as Sammy started school. Since then, so much has happened – lockdowns, more lockdowns, a cancelled Christmas, vaccinations, elections (am so thankful Trump has gone), the list goes on. I genuinely didn’t expect us to be here nearly a year on. The storm has certainly raged over that time.
I heard a phrase early on in the first lockdown in March last year which has stuck with me. So many people said that we were all in the ‘same boat’ – but actually we’re not. In the same storm yes absolutely, but not everyone has the same boat. Some have luxury yachts, while others are struggling to keep a dinghy afloat. And that is the reality. The storm too can rage for people in different ways, some pass through it, taking each day as it comes. Others really find the monotony of life tough to handle.
“Being lucky doesn’t mean that it can’t feel tough too”
I felt really hopeful last autumn that this thing that has held us to ransom for the last year, might start to leave us alone. But now as we head into February half term (yep, I’m now that person that talks in school terms), I have a 4 year old at home, again, and the juggle is absolutely real. I am clinging onto the fact that he might be able to go back to school in March, so at least work life can feel more tolerable. There is some light relief somewhere in all of this though. If I tell you that just this last week Sammy joined me on a virtual call with one of my teammates Claire, so that he could show her his herbivore and carnivore dinosaur roars, it wouldn’t be a joke. Now, it certainly gave Claire and I a much needed giggle, but there are also days when I just want to shout. Loudly. I don’t have a reason, I’m lucky and I realise I’m lucky. But being lucky doesn’t mean that it can’t feel tough too.
It felt tough last week, I hit a wall. Full pelt. Head on. I remember thinking that I couldn’t remember what my old life felt like. I questioned my marriage, my work, myself. I have since chatted to friends, work colleagues and Stu and the world already feels very different. The power of talking and teaming are very important for me. But for that moment, that week, it felt bloody hard. I know that this wall presented itself as a result of a very full on and emotional few weeks that preceded. You see, as a marketing team, we were grieving. I was grieving.
“The days and weeks after were heavy”
We’d lost our friend and teammate Jack in January in very tragic circumstances. It floored us all. Our sadness and heartache extended to Liz, also in our team and Jack’s partner. Hands down one of the toughest phone calls I have had to take. The days and weeks after that, including the day he was laid to rest this week, were heavy. There is no manual for this type of thing and so you just operate on gut instinct – well, that’s what I did I guess. Your priority is getting arms around the team, but in a way that doesn’t feel like a corporate boilerplate. For me, I simply had to be me. Show them that I too felt their pain. I hope that they knew very early on from the tears they saw me openly shed, that we are all human.
There was a fleeting moment where I questioned the tears. Is this what ‘the boss’ should be doing in front of her team – our crew as I love to call us. There is a stigma that too often surrounds this concept of leadership and a stiff upper lip. Leadership for me is not about a corporate manual or org charts. It’s about a dialogue between one person and another. It is human and real. I knew very early on when I took this role, that I was going to be me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am passionate. And above all else, I care. Being anything other than me would have felt dishonest to me and to the team. You will never please everyone, I understand that, but being authentic will see you a long way.
“Just be yourself and do your best”
People will always have a view of what you should or shouldn’t do, and when faced with that quandary I will always remember a great bit of advice I once heard from that wise man, my Dad – “Don’t worry Bella, just be yourself and do your best” and whenever there is a day when even being yourself and doing your best feels too hard, just remember it’s ok not to feel ok.
It was an August day when I discovered that life was about to change. I’d been offered a new role at work, a bigger role. And one that would need me to make some choices about the balance in my life.
It was great to be recognised in this way, and it came along when I least expected it. I always strived for ‘excellence’, don’t all marketers? but I used to describe myself as the editor of the book, not the author – ironic really given I am writing this blog! This role would need me to look at how that book and its chapters were structured. It was daunting, but exciting too! I swung from panic to elation in the space of minutes but still I knew that there would be choices to made. And amazing marketing to be delivered.
In addition to this pretty ‘big deal’, we were also approaching that milestone in every toddler’s life – the start of ‘big’ school. I totally underestimated how this start for Sammy, would make me feel. My worries were about his age, would he be ready, would he cry, would he make friends. All those questions that all parents think about. For us, he was about to start school in the middle of a global pandemic, which was daunting enough. But despite all that, I still thought, it’s ok, I can do both.
All of this was then compounded by a spell of quarantine post our holiday to Croatia. I knew it ‘might’ happen, we all did, but I hadn’t planned my work diary around having Sammy back at home! Those calls with toddler interruptions again, weren’t in that window. So, Stu and I rallied together and whilst there some late nights again, we made it work.
The ‘arrrgh’ moment
It then happened, the moment of realisation, the moment where you think, oh, this is a lot. A lot of ‘big deals’ all happening at once. No, none of them life threatening of course, but a lot of tabs open in my brain all at once. The stamping of the uniform to questions about budget and plans, all happened in the space of one day. The 135 WhatsApp’s from friends that I hadn’t been able to digest. I knew I would need to quickly decide on where I was going to focus my time and be ok with letting other things get parked. I am lucky, I have a great husband who just got on with it. Washing got done. Dinner got made. Not a single complaint. Until the night where he said to me – as he passed me the cheesy beans on toast for dinner in our home office – “come on now, find your balance”. We call this the red line at work. I was over-stepping the red line and I had only been in role for 5 minutes.
The reason that this is important to me is because I want to role model to my team. All 115 of them. I want them to know that you can do well at work and be a parent (in my case) and a wife and get a workout in too. I can’t be sending emails at ridiculous hours or missing bedtime every night. Occasionally that is ok, but not every day.
To help me in this place of ‘big deals’, I looked at how I wanted to lead. Lead in uncertain and unprecedented times (most used phrases of 2020 there). How did I want people to see me. How did I want them to feel working alongside me. Despite this collision, what was going to be the constant. I was clear on one thing – this was most definitely about ‘how’. There will always be times when it feels hard, or tough. Confusing or pressured. But there will be way more times where it feels exciting, ambitious, excellent and an absolute blast. And I don’t just mean at work. Having the balance of all of those things, both at work and at home, allow you to manage the ‘big deals’. Manage them when they collide and when you least expect it.
The ‘how’
So, this ‘how’ I talk of, it is fairly simple to me. I want to stand for a few core values and have those around me feel those values when they work with me. For those things to be consistent with my teams and business stakeholders. Some may ask, why have I been so honest and open. I know many of the people I work with will read this. Strangers will read this. For me it is about being transparent and authentic. You can still be a leader and have a heart.
So, whilst I navigate the new role, big school and the pandemic, I made the decision to focus on a few key attributes, important me to in the workplace, that would be my north star when the crazy times decided to hit.
Listening to understand – I used to always be so quick to jump in with a view or a reply. When do we take the time to really understand what is being said?
Emphasising the importance of ‘why?’ – this is so key to any marketer. Why do we want to do it that way? Constructive and credible challenge is key to healthy discussion about the value marketing brings to any business.
Simplifying the overcomplicated – if there is a simpler route, not necessarily easy route, that gives us the same result, or better, let’s do it.
Being authentic over everything – be yourself. Wear your heart on your sleeve, but be polite, professional and constructive. Give others a sneak peek of who you are as a person. Inspire others. But be authentic. We are all human beings at the end of the day.
And what of this ‘attempting to have it all’ – I’d say you can have what you’re able to carry. That varies for everyone. But what we all have in abundance is choice. Choice about what we carry and how we carry it.
For now, the bag I’m carrying has a healthy dose of career, family, friends, the odd workout and a gin for good measure.
Nearly four. How did that happen? A month away from your fourth birthday and I find myself wondering where on earth the last four years have gone. I thought about waiting until your birthday to pay this tribute to you but today we shared a moment. Those moments, as a parent, that you grasp onto. The moments that make your heart full, even if you’ve not had enough sleep or you’re thinking about the massive laundry pile. The moments that make all the tough stuff worth it. They’re the ones to capture.
When you arrived with us in August 2016, you came into the world screaming like a banshee. Your Daddy has always said you’re a little over dramatic like your Mama, and that was the evidence to prove it. You spent a lot of the first few months of your life screaming your head off and that was tough – really tough. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Was I cut out to be your Mummy, how could I help you and why did you cry so much? Even then though, I still remember your first smile, others said wind, but a Mama knows wind from a real smile. Another moment. I even wrote that one down. I was a bit rubbish with all of that, but I captured that moment. I wasn’t really one for memory books and I still have all the baby grows in the wardrobe that I was going to make into a blanket. But it doesn’t mean you weren’t the centre of my world.
It is probably fair to say that I am an honest parent, and maybe not everyone will agree with that, but I do tend to say it as I see it. I’m not the Mummy who cries when I leave you with someone else, I mean maybe if I had only had four hours sleep but as a rule I didn’t. I’m not the parent who thinks you do no wrong, you’re not an angel. I’m also not the Mama who stays home with you all the time. And I’m definitely not the Mummy who makes costumes for every world book day – you will know about Amazon Prime very soon. But I am a better Mummy for you because I keep a little bit of me with me, all the time. Now, the parent that I will be, will always spur you on, hold your hand and comfort you – ‘big boy’ school is just weeks away. I will always support you no matter what you choose to do and who you choose to do it with (unless it involves criminal activity of course) and I promise to embarrass you at your 21st birthday as the dancing 60 something Mum in the room (took me a while to find Daddy you see). My only wish for you is that you are happy, fulfilled and that you forever know that you are the centre of my world.
I have watched you grow into a little boy with his own mind and his own quirky ways – you always have to carry something in your hands, until of course we are 15 steps out of the house and then they become too heavy to carry. Your love of dinosaurs surpasses all else – now at least, I mean three months ago I was convinced you were going to be a marine biologist when we walked into a shop, and from the top of your lungs you shouted “Mummy can we find a sperm whale in here”. You often tell strangers that you don’t like tomatoes, tuna or celery! I’m with you on the celery one, despite it really annoying Daddy. Your first word was ‘more’, which is really apt given you ask for a snack at least 15,000 times a day now, and the nicest thing you say to me is ‘Mummy you look so pretty’ even when I’m looking my worst. You can be a bit of a tell-tale, but I put that down to you wanting to do the right thing. I admire that in you. I have discovered that you love to do a ‘deal’ for everything; “Sammy can you please help put all of your toys away”, “Ok but can I have one Peter (Rabbit) and two stories, deal, Mummy?”. Your ability to make Daddy and I laugh even when we shouldn’t, happens a lot, especially when you once told us you would give us a time-out if we didn’t stop telling you not to do something. Yes, you see, you really are the centre of my world.
At times though it’s hard and I want a week off. I still like nights out and weekends away. I want a career as well as being a Mummy to you. I don’t always want to build the towers. I get tired and exhausted with everything else going on. But just because I don’t always want to, doesn’t mean I won’t. I always will, always. I do drink wine, I confess, and once threatened to put you on eBay but all of that is just silly talk, because where would I be if my heart didn’t have you. How would I know what real love was actually like? Who would I go to hear a perfected dinosaur roar at the drop of a hat? How would I have known that soft play is occasionally fun (and hell, a lot), or that I can do funny voices when it’s story time at night? I have discovered Moana and Frozen because of you and more recently a love of dancing to film soundtracks, too. You see, you are the centre of my world.
So what of this moment, the one from today that inspired me to put the words down here. Well, we danced! Yep, we danced. To ABBA. You’ve discovered Mamma Mia the film (both of them) and now you love ABBA and you love to dance. You love to ask Alexa to “play Super Trouper by Abbot!”, you haven’t quite got the name right yet. We spent the morning dancing together. Running and laughing in our PJs with squeals of “Mama dance with me, swing me round, Mummy”. I loved every minute. I loved that you had learnt two songs overnight and you were in your element when you remembered the words. I saw your character come to life. I loved that you told me right there that you liked being called Samuel over Sammy now, and maybe even Sam (yeah, Mummy not so much, baby). In that moment, those moments, that half an hour when you weren’t roaring like a dinosaur – my heart was utterly full. It was proof that no matter what happens in life, you will always be the centre of my world.
My darling Samuel, keep being the dinosaur loving, snack requesting, ABBA dancing boy I know and adore today.
I started to write this piece a week or so ago. I edited it. Deleted it. Started again. It goes against all blog rules in terms of word count that’s for sure, but I felt like this was a subject that could go on and on. It’s a funny subject to write about because grief is such a personal thing. It comes in all shapes and sizes. People don’t like to talk about it. They can shy away from it. It doesn’t need to be about death, but it definitely involves the feeling of loss.
I decided to write this a week or so ago because this weekend sees us dive into Father’s Day in the UK. A day when my brother and I used to take the old man down to a local pub and have fish and chips and a pint (him not me). That was a tradition we had and something that Chris and I (Chris is my brother, for those of you who don’t know), along with my Mum, Stu and now Sammy have tried to do since – fish and chips down the pub. I say since, because my Dad is no longer here. He died in 2011. Milestones and dates always crop up in the year when you are reminded of the loss. Reminded of the fact that you no longer need to buy that ‘Dad’ card anymore. Simple things, yet the things I have personally found very hard.
“I used to take the old man down to the local for fish and chips and a pint!”
So, what about this irony I mention. The irony that the person you want to talk to about how you’re feeling, what you did that day, that piece of advice you might need. That person you want to talk to about the loss you feel, the grief, is the person that is no longer here. I have said many times “if only there were phones in heaven”. Just to have one more call. One last chat, or in our case debate about some topic or other. For me that comes from the sudden nature of what happened to him, to us. I don’t think that differs if you lose a loved one after a lengthy illness either. Despite having time perhaps to say all the things you want, that feeling of wanting to say more never goes away, for me anyway.
My Dad was the person who was practical, opinionated – and those of you reading this who knew him, know exactly what I mean – he had a solution for everything. Yes, he was stubborn, but he did always have an answer, even if it wasn’t the one you wanted to hear. So many times, since his death I have wanted one more chat. On the big life choices. That void for me is still so huge, especially when it comes to my career and work. He was good at that stuff. Yes I miss so much about him and feel angry that he never got to meet Stu or his grandson, but as a daughter I just wish I could have one more chat.
One of the biggest decisions I ever made when he was alive was when I decided to move to Singapore for work. I remember the calls to my Mum and Dad so clearly. My Mum said “why do you want to move so many miles away. It’s so far, you can’t just ‘pop’ home”, she wasn’t so sure about her baby girl moving to the other side of the world. She relented of course, and was very proud of me, but at first, she wasn’t entirely ok with it. The call with my Dad on the other hand, “Brilliant Bella (my Dad’s nickname for me), you must do it, why on earth would you even be second guessing, pack your bags and go and I will visit you” – all said in his Croatian way. That was the other side of the coin. And I did go, and he did visit. What transpired on the second leg of that work trip, when I moved on to Australia, was that I was in Sydney when I got that call from my Mum to say he had gone. My first thought? I am so many miles away from home. And let me tell you, those words from my Mum rang in my ears on that god-awful flight home.
“Brilliant Bella! Pack your bags and go”
This week I caught up with a work friend who recently lost her husband. We chatted with two other work friends. It was lovely. And all of us on that call, whilst there to find out how she was doing, realised that we had all suffered loss. Different types of loss of course, but we all knew grief. Painful, heart aching, stomach churning grief. And yet we were all surviving. This made me remember a quote I saw many years ago which reads “little by little we let go of loss, but never of love”. That’s why despite always feeling like a little piece of my heart has gone forever and there are days when I miss him immensely, or get choked at realising I haven’t looked at his picture in a while and I’ve forgotten what he looked like, the love remains. What I will add here before we get too tear jerky, is my Dad wasn’t a saint, we argued, a lot, but, as an adult I found that he was the one who gave me the other side to the coin, and without question he loved us. So, the love does outweigh the loss. Always. And it is that love that keeps the loss under control, for me.
“Little by little we let go of loss, but never of love”
More poignantly, and heartbreakingly, this piece has even more meaning for me, because today one of my closest friends lost her beautiful Mum. I have cried for her. Knowing that she too now is at the hands of grief and loss. A different kind, because it is unique to us all, but nevertheless, a heart wrenching feeling. My greatest hope is that the immense love they had will help carry her through. In the last six months, two of my other friends lost their Dads. Loss and grief are all around for so many, every day. But if we hold onto the love, then that is where we can hold onto hope.
Of course, given it is Father’s Day this weekend, I am now lucky that I get to celebrate another wonderful father in my Stu. Sammy gets to buy him another mug (what else do you buy them?!) and whilst this ‘new world’ we live in means we can’t go to a pub tomorrow; we might keep the tradition alive and have fish and chips! The irony there though, is that I’d love to call my old man to tell him that.
In memory of all those we have lost who are dear to us . My candle is alight.
That time when a pandemic hit, everything went out the window and we walked.
I mean, where do you even start with this one. On December 31st, 2019, when we were all drinking bubbles and toasting in the new year, did we ever think that the year of 2020 would go down like this?
It has been the strangest of times for me if I’m honest. A permanent state of working from home. A three year old who can’t go to nursery and so is at home with us (while we are working from home – I will soon mention gin!). A Mum who is in isolation and has been now for 10 weeks. Friends and family that we can’t see. Real life examples of friends working close to heart of Covid-19. Emotional and heart wrenching scenarios that require a hug and you can’t even do that.
This virus has affected everyone, everywhere and in so many ways. People have been furloghed, some have lost their jobs or have been unable to work. Many people are angry. At the government. At the people who flout lockdown. And yet, it seems that so many have found a way to relax into a world of simple things. Long walks (oh how we have walked), baking (I am not one of those people by the way), yoga (that either) and now we see a whole new side to people.
Toddlergate
Lockdown life, as we call here at Chez Jennings, has been testing in equal measure. Yes, I know I am very lucky to still have my job, but let me tell you, that working at home with a toddler is a tough gig! In week three at home, Sammy came into a room, where I was on a call with a Partner and one of my team members, shouting “Mummy I want the one with the sperm whale, can I have the sperm whale, Mummmmmmy” – episode 678 of the Octonauts was on. I told the guys on the call I’d be two minutes, turned my camera off and muted my laptop (or so I thought) and said “Sammy, give Mummy a break, I’m on a call here y’know” – and of course he didn’t have a clue what I was on about – but everyone else did when I discovered I hadn’t muted my laptop at all and heard sounds of “we can still hear you”. Now, thankfully, I work for a brilliant firm and we’ve seen cats, dogs, kids, husbands, wives, all in the background of our meetings, but trying to parent and do a job in the same place in the same day, is not something I thought I’d be doing.
Loves me, loves me not…
So we have the juggling act that is parenting and working, now throw in being in the same place as your other half for weeks on end. I love Stu, of course I do, but he would be the first to agree that this hasn’t been easy on our marriage, or our livers (here comes the gin!). At first we said “ok, we can do this, few months in lockdown, how hard can it be”. The first few weeks were ok, we did buy a lot (and drink a lot) of wine, beer, gin, (all of the above), almost like we were on a holiday with a bit of work thrown in. Except, actually, the realisation was that work wasn’t going anywhere and with Sammy at home, this meant me in the office for a lot of the day and him in the office for a lot of the evening – up until midnight some nights. It is tough! He is tired and we have both suffered with the short fuse on occasion. Then remembering to do extra washing of the hands and be safe when venturing out, was a whole new way of living. We live for our holidays. Totally happy working really hard all year to have a trip or two away, so now, filled with the prospect of not getting away, we are faced with the fact we might be in each others pockets for the rest of the year! Eeeek. So we’ve had to talk openly. We’ve had to find a few things we can do for ‘space’. I write and watch trash TV! He walks the dog, does the weekly shop (result), oh and he bakes…..did I mention that? He is the baker, not me.
Dose of perspective
Whilst we can all laugh at the toddler scenarios in this lockdown life, there have also been some heart wrenching moments. A colleague of mine, lost her husband to this awful virus. Herself young and him too, with a young daughter, this was the reality of what we were faced with. How do you move on from something like that? Her bravery and openness has amazed me. Other friends I know have lost loved ones and are carers for others and stories like theirs and that of Colonel Tom and of the amazing key workers and carers, continuing on through this storm, have inspired me. My much needed dose of perspective comes from hearing about all of their bravery.
So in all of this craziness, here is what have I learned about myself, others and life in this lockdown world. What have you learned?
Lockdown learnings
1. I miss the commute (who would have thought that). I liked that time to myself. Reading my emails, calling friends or reading a book. The peace. I often complained about that 90 minute slog, but now I miss it.
2. I appreciate open spaces. We have found some open fields near our house that we didn’t know existed and when the sun shines, they are the perfect walking spot. We have walked and walked and walked. Some weekends, Stu, Sammy and I walk a 5k route, and Sammy only has little legs! We make an effort to do this nearly every day just to get the fresh air (and tire the boy out so he sleeps!).
3. I am much more relaxed about mess! I am a neat freak normally. But working at home with a three year old has walked all over that and I’m ok with that……really I am…..! I let him trash the house daily. I still tidy every single night for the normality, but every single day he gets it all. out. again.
4. I rely heavily on my family to be part of my life. This time apart from my Mum and Brother has been hard but what a celebration we will have when this is done. Virtual calls are the order of the day now for us. We set Mum up on a laptop and taught her how to use Hangouts and she was off. Even booking herself online shopping slots and all sorts. But I miss her. I miss them. I cannot wait to throw my arms around them……..and book Mum in for a week of babysitting!
5. I feel gratitude much more now than ever. Grateful to be healthy. To have a job. To work for a great employer. To have wonderful team mates who are flexible every day whilst I juggle parenting and working. To have a little boy who loves the simple things in life like throwing stones in a river. To have brilliant WhatsApp groups full of good friends, that have kept the humour. Grateful to wonderful neighbours who have rallied around and made the effort to get to know all of us, now that we are all at home more. Grateful for video calls and virtual quizzes (who would have thought?!). Mostly, I am also grateful that my husband is a saint!!
A few weeks ago, a colleague of mine asked how I was and I replied “Well, my toddler trashes my house every day. I have about 7 headaches come Friday. And I weigh more now than I did when I was full term pregnant with Samuel. Other than that I am peachy”. And, despite a slightly wider waistline, few extra headaches and toddler lego bricks in every corner of my house, I am ok. We are ok. This too shall pass, and what a story we will have to tell.
This picture hangs in my office at home and in this Mental Health Awareness week, it reminded me of the importance of our behaviour in the workplace and the impact it can have on others.
I’m a big advocate for looking after our mental as well as our physical health but admit that on occasion I probably don’t give ‘me’ the time and relevant MOT checks I probably should. I did a Psychology related degree (it was actually Psychology and Criminology but that’s for another day) and have always been interested in what makes people tick. I’m an over thinker by my own admission but love the differences in people and how they behave. This has helped me in the workplace by approaching each person as an individual.
Supporting others at work
I’m lucky that I work for an employer that places great emphasis on supporting individuals and their mental health and we regularly see internal and external campaigns on this topic, even supported by Board members. And the workplace is one of the places where I think we should all be a little more aware of others and how they feel. Be kind. Be considerate. That doesn’t mean accepting bad behaviour or under-performance for example, but even in those cases, be a human being.
Maya Angelou once said “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”. I can really relate to this. I’m sure that we all have off days where we are grumpy or take our woes out on others, but by accepting that each of us has the potential to impact how someone else feels, means that we could all do with checking ourselves occasionally, especially at work, where we spend a lot of our time.
People are important
I’ve been in various roles over the last 20 years and more recently I have had the privilege of leading great teams. Every single person in those teams is as important as the next and each of them bring something to the table, irrespective of the project or challenge we face. As I have grown in my role, I have received coaching, mentoring and not just from those more senior either, and I learn something new all the time from the people I work with. Taking each of those small things that we learn and observe in others, can help ensure that we ‘check ourselves’ when thinking about the feelings of others. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:
‘Thank you’ – it’s so simple isn’t it? But how many times do you forget to say it? I really value when my boss says thank you. In any shape or form, for something simple or complex, it makes me feel motivated. I feel like I have been noticed. That evening when you worked late. The time you dropped everything to do another powerpoint deck (we love a deck), or when that amazing PA found you a meeting room with 7 minutes to spare. I try to say thank you, as often as I can, to all the great guys and gals I get to work with in my role. It’s important to call out great delivery, or going above and beyond, or simply just doing what they needed to do – even if included dropping everything for another deck! Make sure people hear it too – as individuals or as a team. An email. On a call. When you bump into them in the lift. In a tweet. In the pub. Wherever. But say it, because it has the power to change someone’s day.
‘We, not I’ – I think the worst thing in the world is when someone takes the glory for the work that has been done by many. That’s rubbish! When has anything ever really been done by one person. I call this out a lot. ‘We not I’ is important to me. So many roles require others to help us do what we do, and I can’t do my job without the amazing people I work with. Leaders can lead. Designers can design. Writers can write. But there is always someone in a shape or form, there to help them do it. I try to instil this in others too. A reminder when someone else should have been on the email chain, or in the launch comm. Trying to use this approach to role model to others. Using this philosophy when the great results achieved on a thing that I am down as the ‘leader’ on, are showcased with everyone involved at the heart of it . The importance of team and collaboration in making others feel valued is key for me.
‘Slow down’ – finally, if like me, you run at a million miles an hour; remember that not everyone can run at your pace. Slow down. Who wants to feel like they can’t catch up or that they need to operate like you do. I find people are often really receptive to being told to slow down, me included. And yes they need reminding sometimes, but definitely tell them. Then they can adapt their approach to make you feel part of the journey (I hate that word, so I promise not to ‘journey’ too much in this blog). I was once mentored by a lovely woman called Becky (she will know who she is if she reads this) and she taught me something really valuable. Now, do I always stick to it? No, probably not, and I am definitely improving; but I try to send less emails in the evening. So what, I hear you say. She told me that sending emails late, especially to those more junior, can make them feel like they have to reply. Putting them under pressure. It’s true. I feel it myself occasionally. So now, I send emails in the evening to those I know are expecting something or will be online late because that pattern works for them, but I tend to draft my emails and then send first thing.
Now I’m not saying that me not sending a late email or using the term ‘we’ in all my team meetings brings out the smiles in everyone – that’s not what I mean and I’d definitely need to get over myself if I did! I guess I’m saying think of others. Adapt, to help others. Do the little things that you know will make even the tiniest difference to one person. No, of course we won’t be able to do it all the time – the proverbial hits the fan occasionally – but a few little things, could mean that you’re ‘the reason someone smiles today’.
However, there is, of course, always a really easy way to make someone smile, in or out of the workplace – cake! Works every time.
When you take the old man’s advice and seize the day!
It has taken me a while to decide to publish my inner ramblings. I’ve always loved to write, but never thought about putting it out there in the big wide world. I find it therapeutic. A break from parenting a three year old, trying to develop a career and stay married. Be a sister, a daughter and a friend. As well as have some me time. All of those things combined are a challenge, but I do love a challenge!
Many of you might be thinking, why? For me it’s just an outlet. A place to share things I have learnt, perspectives on topics I’m passionate about and, why not? Some people might even enjoy ‘my musings’, we shall see. Ultimately I just love talking so this is a way of capturing it all.
Open to the public
But it’s an interesting concept isn’t it, sharing your thoughts with complete strangers. I have found out a lot from other blogs I read and it got me thinking, what do I want this blog to be about? What could others get out of reading my ‘stuff’? There is social media for that too I guess (I’m a big fan of the ‘Gram) but sometimes a perspective, or point of view on top of an instastory, or a facebook post is what I need. I’m a thinker by nature. I like research, I research everything. I like to be informed.
So here are three things that I get out of reading other people’s ‘stuff’ and others might get out of reading mine.
‘That’s totally normal’ – often as a Mum, I worry about how I’m doing it and what I’m doing, will he be scarred for life if I shout at him, or if I work another late night? Is it just a phase when he tells me he prefers Daddy to me?! Yes that one, probably linked to the former point. Is it ok to want a career and to be a parent, in equal measure. Just knowing that I am not alone in the joy and pain of parenting has helped me enormously.
‘Yes I do really need that’ – I would be a liar if I said that I haven’t spent a lot of money on things I would never have discovered if I didn’t read blogs or use social media. I go looking for – “best way to paint tiles” – to discover via blog number three, why paint tiles when you can buy tile stickers?! I mean that was the best discovery in while for me. I’ve loved finding small brands that I may not have otherwise discovered, to compliment more traditional brands that I love.
‘Honesty is the best policy’ – I’m often told at work that I am firm but fair, honest but caring and that I “tell it how it is”. I used to worry about that phrase. Did that mean that I lacked empathy, or didn’t care about others? Actually what I have realised is that is a bit of a super power. Getting to the point, cutting through the noise, just being transparent. You can still wrap a massive hug around that. I love reading people’s honest accounts of life. No rubbish. Straightforwardness at its best. I will always aim to be honest, but will occasionally wrap a hug around that too (or pour a gin, and have a hug, but then there will likely be tears, and that’s for another post!).
So that is blog post number one. I hope to share my ‘stuff’, my ‘musings’ with you often. I don’t really mind if no-one reads, but for me this is my ‘therapy’, my ‘me time’. I once read an article about ‘writing a good blog’ and it did say that your first post will probably be rubbish, but my Dad often used to say ‘Carpe Diem’ – so here you go, I am seizing the day.
Life on Marz 